| At at at night. |
[19 Nov 2009|08:26pm] |
Okay so, I am thinking about leaving Steve. It sucks that his personality is what it is, and what it is is something I cannot date. So it's gonna happen soon. I'm gonna wait and see how Saturday turns out. Saturday is a Thanksgiving potluck at his place, and I invited Sara so she could meet some hipsters. If things go well, I will stay with Steve until Sara can establish a hipster friend-base formed from continued interactions. If she seems like she's not taking to it at ALL (which I doubt) I'll leave Steve very soon. So it kind of rests on her. I really want her to make hipster friends, and I can totally put up with Steve for however long it takes for her to be able to cultivate these relationships without my help. I am going to ease up on the hanging out and especially the sexual stuff cuz I'm just not as into it when I find the words that come out of his mouth so annoying.
I would much much much rather focus on school anyway. Much much.
I need a job pretty badly right now.
Annnd I cannot get this Day and Night song out of my head. I'm in love with it.
For some reason, Matt popped into my head today with a romantic connotation, which has not happened in a very long time. I still check his facebook pretty frequently out of sheer habit. I'm glad to see he's doing well, I really am. I don't feel any sort of pain or lust or heartbreak when I see pictures of his face anymore, which is excellent, and I'm definitely not saying that I prefer pining after him and being repeatedly disappointed, but there is something in me that kind of misses that time in my life that I was so in love with him. I mean, I felt so strongly, and I was so sure of it. It was one thing I was positive about back then, and it was almost all that mattered to me. I guess it's just a kind of nostalgia for being obsessed with him. I know I can't be the only one who has ever felt something like this. Evidence:
"Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It's like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda weird, but it's like, it's like you almost miss that pain."
I know that's from a movie. But other people have to know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I'll always love you, Matt. Always, in that one corner of time.
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| No excuse to be so callous |
[05 Oct 2009|02:16pm] |
Ugh. Look. I know I shouldn't be creeping but
It says he is online on Facebook rather fucking often.
HOW COME he has time to spend all that time on the Fbook
BUT NOT ENOUGH TIME to send me a text once every couple days?
HUH?
MOTHERFUCKER.
How the fuck are we supposed to get married when I hate you this much.
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| Do you believe in something beautiful? Then get up and be it! |
[04 Oct 2009|09:58pm] |
Okaaaay okay. So I haven't used this journal in a long time, and we know why. Because I've actually been out having a life and haven't had much time to be emo emo emo kid. Well. Guess what, ladies and gentlemen. I seem to have found some time I'd like to waste complaining about my oh-so-lamentable existence. And, here we go.
First I'll start by saying something really creepy that will never be repeated elsewhere but here.
I have been sort-of-dating/sort-of-fucking/sort-of-hating-for-not-texting-me-enough (just like Joe) a certain Mister Stefan Fox.
Oh yes.
You know the one.
The one that I pined over from afar at times? The one whose pictures I would see on Facebook, and find myself riddled with envy of those who received his attentions, and desperate for a chance with him, thinking that surely, if nothing else in this world could make me happy, being with him, having him, would be enough for me?
That Mr. Fox?
Yeah.
My bed.
Sometimes.
Le sigh. He's a busy (kid/boy/man/whatever). I don't hear from him much but I have a hard time not thinking about him constantly. His face. The last time we fucked. His face during the last time we fucked. What else I would like to do to him. Places I'd like to go with him. Mostly his face, though. That beautiful freaking face. I know I don't deserve it. It's hard to think about and not get worked up. I wish he were here.
I don't know. I'd like to sit here and document the first time I spoke to him at length, and the first time I kissed him, and everything else we've done, up until the recent phone conversation I had with him where I mentioned myself "seeing other people" in an effort to draw his attention to the danger he puts himself in by not getting in touch with me more frequently than once every week or two. To a certain extent it was:
A) A selfish ploy, executed only to win more attention from him
B) An honest question, as we had not defined our exclusivity and I had been planning on seeing someone I might possibly hook up with that weekend
C) A subtle endeavor to trick him into giving me a reason to tell aforementioned would-be suitors NO, I AM TAKEN.
Unfortunately, I do not believe any of my efforts were greatly successful. I think I scared him a little bit, but mostly I think I just hurt him. Which sucks and is gay of me. I think I just expected him to have as thick of a skin as most guys I've dealt with, a slightly more possessive streak than he seems to have in his possession, and a bit more confidence as well.
The point is, I don't have time to document all that tonight. Hopefully I will, in time. But this was just meant to be a brief diversion.
The other point is, I haven't seen him in a week and I haven't heard from him all weekend (he was gone camping) and now that he is back, I still have not heard from him. This makes me =/= yayville.
Oh but I will add one happy thing:
"I am coming closer and closer to the conclusion that this friendship IS NOT WORTH IT." - Anna, this evening.
I love it. Megan is digging herself into a hole. Keep at it, honey. Trust me, you're doing me a huge fucking favor.
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| I'm not a quitter, I said sometimes what's wrong is what is right. |
[15 Jun 2009|11:06pm] |
Ugh this is going to be a brief and entirely oversharing entry.
What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.
I have a perfectly good dude. More than perfectly good. It's not like he's just par. I like him a lot.
But I feel weird about texting him during the day. Goddammit he never texts me first anymore and I don't know why.
When I don't see him every day, I think about him and it makes me want to see him or at least contact him.
But I can't. I don't let myself. FUCK.
And how does this suck? 1) because it makes me feel shitty, first of all
2) it makes me search for other sources of attention.
This second part is particularly terrible because I JUST ASKED HIM TO BE EXCLUSIVE. And the kind of attention I am LOOKING FOR would kind of VIOLATE the terms of that exclusivity thing I just imposed upon us.
Balls.
The worst part is that I firmly believe I should not even have to be looking to other sources for attention.
I should not even feel distracted.
But I do.
What does that mean? I think it means he is doing a shitty job of giving me attention and not much more, but I'm not taking it very well, am I?
Plus (and this is the oversharing part) he never gets me off. And the tally is starting to build, skewed waaaaaaaay in his favor. And I don't think it's fair. He might argue that I always stop him, but that's because what he's doing HURTS. He's not good at it. How about you try asking me what I want instead of just never reciprocating >.<
Oh but of course I will never tell him these things.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to cheat on him like I did with all the others. I want to have a semi-respectable relationship for once. But I am really afraid cheating is next to inevitable, with me. Cuz I mean the boy isn't God. I don't hero-worship or revere him like I have with other boys....so really, what chance does he stand?
When we were in his place the other day, Blue Eyes by Cary Brothers came on, and I forced myself to think about Matt and my feelings for him and compare it to Joe. I didn't get very far. It was hard to focus on feelings for Matt, what they are and especially what they used to be. But somehow I get the feeling that they were a little more sublime than what I have with Joe.
And I am NOT.
OH.
KAY WITH THAT.
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| shoo-be-doo-be-doo, shoo-be-doo-be-doo, ba-doo |
[14 Jun 2009|11:24pm] |
I'd like to preface this entry by stating that I have to go work at the bank in Hockessin tomorrow and that is so gay and I don't want to but how else am I supposed to get money. I wish i liked my job. I don't like that job. The hours pass too slowly.
Anyway So I had a relatively decent weekend.
( Friday-Saturday-Sunday )
In summation I just hope that my period does not last this full week since it started early and it was goddamn heavy too. Because I really like this with Joe. I feel like it is the first actually decent sex I have had since Evan. I felt guilty about some of the others, or I wasn't really attracted to them, or I was disconnected emotionally. But things just feel ...special? haha...or I dunno, just different with him, and I like it a lot. And I don't like that my uterus is cockblocking me. I am really really glad he took things so slowly, it really added to this.
Yayville.
And, he has such a pretty face to watch during it. I kept my eyes on him for the most part this time, and I liked that. I hope it didn't weird him out. I like trying to guess what he's thinking by watching his eyes, like if he's focusing on what he's looking at or what it feels like. Like if he looks straight at me or down past my neck, or even farther down at our bodies. Or sometimes he'd close his eyes, or his eyebrows would knit, or his mouth would open, or he'd turn his head to the side. Do I sound like a sap? I'm not sure.
I brought up the exclusivity thing yesterday. He said he'd been behaving exclusively anyway. I definitely did not mention I had not. Mom says this basically makes him my boyfriend. I did not use that term. I asked him why he asked me a couple months ago about our status, and I asked him what he would have done if I had introduced him to someone as my boyfriend, and he said he would have gone along with it, brought it up later and been like "so thats whats happening?" so I was like wow he basically just said he was ready to be my boyfriend all the way back then. I liked that, but I still don't know how I feel about this. I like just calling us exclusive but not necessarily my boyfriend. To be 100% honest I don't think that there's a difference but somehow I am off put by the term boyfriend. I think I would like to feel more comfortable around him first, because I still feel a little edgy sometimes. I think the solution is more sex. Yeeeeeeeees.
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| Don't call me that, don't say you love me cause you know that ain't true. |
[11 Jun 2009|08:25pm] |
Sooooo.
Good Wednesday.
Last night I went to the Italian Festival with Anna and Dave and Joe. It went a lot better than I thought it would? Joe didn't really talk that much but umm, but he did talk some. It was okay. It wasn't like, a KILLER time but. You know. It was pretty double date-y but hahaha we pretended like it wasn't. There were a few awkward moments (IMO) during the evening where I felt the need to fill the silence with chatter and it sucked. Urgh. I will try to forget about those and focus on the good parts.
( Italian Festival )
Afterwards we went back to Dave's place where I was introduced to the "Gay Fish" South Park episode and the show "Bully Beatdown" both of which I liked but only as much as I am capable of enjoying a TV show (that excludes Scrubs or Dexter). Plus I was only as interested as I can be when I am actually just tryin to get some.
( ...and then )
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| The kids don't stand a chance. |
[10 Jun 2009|12:05am] |
Just a few things to say before I attempt to pass out:
I had a mini freak-out about Joe this evening. I wanted to see him and at the same time I couldn't stop dwelling on the weirder parts of when I saw him on Sunday. And then I got all worried about how I couldn't even talk to him about the parts that weirded me out, and then I got all freaked out about how I can't communicate with him and obviously our relationship is doomed, so I decided that the best course of action would be to go see him (which would automatically make me feel better in the first place) and possibly make some attempt at addressing the issue (which in retrospect I see that I literally conjured the issue from nothing). So, against my better judgment, I texted him and declared I wanted to visit even though it was late already (8:30) and he was gonna do something during the day tomorrow, and I was gonna see him tomorrow anyway. K so let me state here than (In My Opinion) I rarely text/contact/suggest/initiate us hanging out. So I figure I will do it for once, how bad could it be?
SO BAD.
Freaking, his roommate was there! Kid tells me he is going to be there alone the entire summer. First week he is there, roommate is there. What. The. Hell.
So I am mortified. I didn't want to text him in the first place, but honest to GOD how could I expect THAT? I just never responded. I had no idea what to do. I just feel...so...angry and...disappointed...and...embarrassed. And I don't know how to deal with it. So I called Adi and I cried and I said I regretted texting Joe without calling Adi first (which I had thought of doing but THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE MYSELF AND MY OWN RELATIONSHIPS without constantly seeking his advice before any and all choices BUT APPARENTLY THIS IS NOT THE CASE). These events concluded with a strong desire not to attend the Italian Fest with him tomorrow. I mean, I'd go with Dave and Anna but I don't want Joe there. URRRRGGGHHHH. There are a few reasons for this. I am going to list them in no particular order to importance or severity.
One: I am kind of angry and therefore do not wish to see him or speak to him
Two: All of the freaked-out I was BEFORE I texted him is still not resolved and was only magnified by the events that occurred after.
Three: I feel embarrassed and just wish to avoid him and any inquiries that could be made about my behavior because I can barely explain it.
I don't know how to explain how I feel. I don't know the reasons WHY. I just know what I feel. And I mostly feel spastic.
Awesome.
Tomorrow should be just fucking peachy dear fucking god kill me now I hate going through this up-and-down bullshit.
Goodnight.
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| I never placed faith in anyone or anything, it's always been just me |
[03 Jun 2009|10:27pm] |
I'm only still a little high from earlier.
This will be my last relaxing week.
Next week I start at the bank again (fuck my life)
and I really hope this bartending job placement service pans out because ...
I don't feel like looking for a job. It's exhausting. It would be nice for them to just tell me where is hiring. Yes. They better not have lied about all that stuff or I will basically pester them constantly.
I really miss Joe? No, I don't REALLY miss him but I kind of do miss him more now that I see all my friends are busy with their significant others, so there is less for me to distract myself with.
And I was thinking, today. about how I place severe limits on when/in what context I can text him: does that mean I am not being myself around him? I think it might, which worries me because I want to be able to be myself around him. But I don't know what to do, do I just start texting him? I don't really want to do that, I'll feel embarrassed. Why can he text me? He's the guy.
In any event, I just want him to be home. So we can snuggle and he can make me feel better about my predicament.
Also, want to buy a skateboard tomorrow. We. Will. See.
Hopefully I will be able to sleep.
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| This time it is for real, this is a real emergency. |
[01 Jun 2009|04:35pm] |
Yaaaay my prof finally got back to me. I am meeting him in his office at 9:30 Wednesday morning. I am excited for a reason to be back in Newark. I never thought I would miss it so much, so soon. And to think I used to despise it when I first moved down from Wilmington. I prefer Newark now...mostly cause of the people, though. And everything is in walking distance, which means people are around. Regardless,
I am going to try and get Dr. Joe to set a consistent schedule because I got a call from Carolyn Lynch at Wilmington Trust and they are offering me un jobbbbzorz. And I really should take it cuz working nights bartending (even if that starts soon) won't be as much of an occupation, I think.
And to think I was going to try and take classes over this summer. A-psh. I will be surprised if I have enough time to sleep, let alone exercise and spend time with Joe.
Maybe on the weekends.
The main point here is I need to be rolling in cash cuz I have a two-thousand-dollar American Express bill that I would like to get rid of as soon as possible, 900 bucks for car insurance that I promised my father at the end of the summer, and I still have to buy shit for my apartment (the main things I am thinking of are a kickin TV and sound set, and hydroponics).
Le, fuckin, sigh.
Also it's almost 5 o'clock on Monday and I haven't heard from Joe yet. 5 days.
Mary texted me today, the first thing she said was "Any word from Joe recently". Girl gets straight to the point? haha it was a little out-of-nowhere. Anyway, no no no, mary, no word from Joe.
Ummmmmm...I have been sleeping past 1 PM everyday. I've been staying up till 3 or 4 AM because I don't know when is a good time to lay down and try to make myself sleep so I just keep doing stuff until I'm exhausted and my eyes start closing on their own. But I don't like getting up this late, I feel like I can do nothing with my day. Speaking of which, I really haven't done much.
Last night I finally finished the stuff due for my internship. Phew. Good fucking riddance, Spring 2009. Now I have to get my shit together to get this bartending thing going. It is taking way too long, and both my parents are on my case.
But my room is still a mess and my mom will be home soon, and I want to have it significantly more presentable before then.
I am soooo unmotivated.
PS- Past 11 PM. No Joe. Beach plans with Anna for Thursday. Restocked Flavor Ice. Yayville.
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| If you love me, why'd you let me go? |
[31 May 2009|09:18pm] |
So it's Sunday.
My little sister graduated today!
The ceremony wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There was this one kid (Tim Marson, I think?) who gave a really funny speech at the beginning. He said his friend suggested that he read Twilight, because it was the best book in the world and had all the answers. And he was like "After reading it, I was just confused. I don't understand how Edward can be the hero and the bad guy. And besides I like Jacob better anyway." It was hilariousss.
Sitting next to Mike turned out to be better than I thought, I'm glad he talks now.
My mother sat ridiculously close to my father and even walked down the stairs parallel to him, I wanted to scream at her. She is so freakin retarded. That is not nice. I know Dad's not gonna break out in a brawl, but why test him? Out of the THOUSANDS of other people there, why do you have to walk down the stairs near HIM? I cannot come up with any more phrases to describe the situation other than "I wanted to yell at her" and "freaking retarded".
Anyway. I had no idea that Ally's best friend Nina was going to a non-UD college. That makes me sad, cuz how are they going to maintain their best-friend-ship? I know mine collapsed like *that* with Lauren, when she only went to another high school. That was IN THE STATE. Though apparently they haven't been as tight of late? Oh well, what the hell. So it goes.
All that aside, ( boys boys boys ).
I mean...it's been 4 days since I've heard from Joe.
I swear if I don't hear from him for an entire week--I am giving him until Wednesday--something drastic will have to happen. I am not going to take this lying down.
Ugh. I don't want to have to do anything about it though.
I would rather him just text me.
I kind of miss him? Only a little, but still. Doesn't he miss me (only a little, but still)?
WHY DOESNT HE EVER TEXT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE =(((((
PS: I had a DREAM last night that there were more Flavor Ice in the freezer. Who the fuck loves those things so much that they DREAM about them? About them being restocked? Replenished? Apparently I do. Shit.
I do really need to get some more though, because every time I go downstairs, I want one, and then when we don't have any, I get ice cream instead. Ice cream vs. Flavor Ice? Go ahead and take a guess as to which one will make me less fat. Go for it, really, I'll give you three tries.
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| Have I found you, flightless bird, jealous? Weeping? |
[30 May 2009|11:53pm] |
It seems that being home is always associated with negative feelings as well as (oh may this be causation?) increased consumption of ice cream?
About a few things I am sure:
I have not finished the work for my internship yet. I should probably fucking do that tonight, huh? And finally kill this semester dead. Its final throes have been drawn out inexorably, oh and it's been excruciating to endure.
I have been on the hugest Twilight kick for the past 24 hours. Been listening to the soundtrack nonstop. Watched the movie twice. Halfway through the book right now.
Why? Why would I be doing this?
Let it be known that I think that movie is fucking terrible. It's just plain awful.
Anyway, I can only guess at the motives behind this fresh Twilight kick that it seems I have next to no control over. Perfect little love story between hot-as-the-sun vampire and totally-gorgeous-but-unassuming-intelligent-and-self-sufficient girl (that any chick could easily reflect herself onto)? Yes I think the overall depravity of my love life feeds on such nonsense in times like these.
( Joe )
( Adi )
( Anna )
Anyway I think that's enough venting for tonight, it's now almost one in the morning, awesome-fun-times, maybe I'll get some work done (probably not) and I'll see you TOMORROW!
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| The gentle hum of pop songs |
[06 May 2009|12:22am] |
There are a few things I would like to cover really quickly.
I do not CARE what things you are up to. I did not ask you, do not tell me. No matter what cool things you think you will be up to I will still think they are lame because you will be the one participating in them.
Keep your nose in your own goddamn business, we did not INVITE you to join our conversation.
Leave.
Me.
Alone.
And also if I come home and Chad is sleeping there I am going to FLIP A SHIT. Cuz that would just make you such a goddamn hypocrite.
I really do not like this semester, no, no not at all.
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| I don't know what to do, about this dream and you. |
[07 Apr 2009|04:14pm] |
Soooo. I feel ridiculously stressed even though I'm sitting here dicking around right now and I am planning on attending a concert this evening.
Haven't heard anything from Joe. I wouldn't be psyched out if people didn't keep ASKING me if I've heard from him yet, but it's been at least three people. And it's making me paranoid and anxious.
Not that I have a lot invested in this, because I don't. But it will be one more blow to my self esteem. So I think we're gonna have to do something about it.
You know what this means.
-Tanning
-Dark hair
-New bookbag
-boots and boat shoes
-skinny jeans
-bangs
-ponytail
-earrings
and then NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO LOCATE ME. Yeeeeeeeees.
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| No one's gonna love you |
[05 Apr 2009|12:00am] |
Ugh. Why am I feeling all bummed out? I want to go back to Delaware, Florida was cathartic, I've got the feeling only forcing myself to stay conscious through the wee hours of the morning can bring to look forward to. I want to see my friends and work on myself and my academic career.
I expect to hear from Joe but it's hard to sit here and convince myself that he's into me especially considering
A) how what-the-fuck-styled I look right now
B) all the other beautiful girls that exist everywhere. I SEE THEM EVERYWHERE. It's just not fair! Other girls, who have more manageable, NON-RED, more stylishly cut hair than me, who have no tubby-tub-tub on their waists or hips, cuter noses, and clearer complexions. How the fuck am I supposed to compete? In the week and a half of my absence from Joe, he has probably found a new, hotter girl to be interested in.
I dunno. Jesus, emotional attachment scares me so much. I'm not even sure I want to get into any of this.
What? Trusting a boy? You can do that? No, not in my experience.
I mean, I like Joe alright and the singledom of late has been making me angsty, looking for a consistent contact, cuddle, and lay who I am allowed to interact with in the daylight.
Who fucking knows.
I've got bigger things to worry about. Summer research. Employment. Chem exam. Furniture for apt. A whole slew of things that is quite enough to occupy my mental capacity without adding a boy to the list.
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| I could sleep when I live alone is there a ghost in my house? |
[26 Mar 2009|10:23pm] |
I have way too much goddamn shit to do this weekend.
Balls.
Tomorrow I am going to study study study then take the test in Philly then go shopping with my little sister. Then Saturday I work at Hockessin in the morning, and prep for Florida begins afterwards, going to sleep early, cuz I gotta be up at 4 AM Sunday morning.
I have to remember to get sunblock.
The gayest part? There's shit I could get done tonight but instead I'm here typing this livejournal entry.
What I DID want to say, though, was that it really sucks when your roomie is gone for the night and you've FINALLY got a dude you can contact, but, uh, he's got an exam tomorrow. GHEY with an h, man. So gay.
I WILL get some stuff done tonight though. I want to wait until later to get things done that require me moving about in public though, I don't want to have to catch the elevator with my suitcase and some (possibly drunk) kids.
I hope Laura has to get up early for her classes or teaching or whatever. I want to get the cleaning out of the way early and I don't feel like tiptoeing around her and Rob's sleeping forms (this is a metaphor, obviously).
I'll admit I'm jealous that she's got her room to herself and can have a boy over.
Although ADMITTEDLY, not being able to have Joe over is probably for the best,
A) to keep me from being a slut
B) he probably doesn't need that much insight into my personal life just yet, not that seeing where I live is any more personal than seeing me shirtless or listening to me dominate the conversation for the better part of two hours.
I am literalllllly a mess when it comes to dudes and interacting with them. I told a few different people the tale of our Kate's date the other night, and the reactions are all the same when I divulge that our evening ended with me manically yelling, "GET OUT...OF MY CAR!"
Which at the time seemed like a harmless if not unremarkable thing to do. But yeah, no, it's made me realize I am legitimately bonkers and Joe will stay away from me if he knows what's good for himself.
I had a legit panic attack earlier where I briefly became convinced that this was all one big conspiracy and that he was only going through the motions of getting me to be his girlfriend because (as he has divulged several times) he will be here doing research over the summer and people won't be around, and I'm a native and on top of that I mentioned I'll be doing part-time research, and so he wants to secure a lay for the summer and then when school starts again in the fall, he will leave me to spread his seed amongst the vaster, drunker population that will have recently migrated back to campus.
Uhhhh.
I'm not ruling that theory out, in any case. I've got to stay on my guard.
And on top of all this, I'm not even sure I like where this is going. Don't get me wrong, I think the kid's alright and all, he's definitely cute and seems congenial enough, I'm not holding him as harshly to my usual standards of blue eyes, older than me, six feet, no chest hair (although he might be 6'0", and he doesn't really have hardly any chest hair. I could pluck that ish while he was sleeping and I bet he wouldn't notice).
The real dilemma is, (and this is on a severely projected timeline), do I want to not be single?
I mean yeah, it's lonely. Yeah, a lot of days I want someone to be with. YES I WOULD LIKE TO GET LAID ON A REGULAR BASIS. But, when you're with a guy, where do friends go? You have less time for them. Which sucks. Cuz I love my (better) friends so much and I don't want to drop them. And as easy as it is to sit here and say, "oh I wouldn't be all PDA and dumb around my friends," the fact of the matter is when you have a boner for someone YOU FORGET TO CARE about PDA. So that sucks too. And I would like to be single for me & Anna's roadtrip, which will probably not happen until the end of the summer, by which point my timeline projects we would probably be dating. Which brings us to Dilemma-ville.
In any event, that is a long enough entry for now, and in all honesty, I turned off my cellphone for the evening, because tonight is about accomplishing things, and the longer I sit here typing, the less that actually happens.
A-ciaociao.
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| You make sure I know who's taking you home. |
[23 Mar 2009|08:23pm] |
First, I CANNOT CONCENTRATE ON HOMEWORK when I have boy-thoughts running around in my head! GAHHHHH!
WANNNNNNT!
Anyway.
Wow, wow, wow. Matt Richards and Samantha seem to be on some kind of joint motorcycle-kick.
I dunno how serious they are, Matt does not look like the motorcycle type in the LEAST.
And one thing that really bothers me are people who are full of lofty high-reaching ideals and never realize them, and you can hear it in their preparatory plans, it will never come to fruition. It's fucking GHEY.
I don't talk it, I fucking live it. I swear I'm not trying to be conceited, but I think I'm the only person who is serious when they talk about things, I'm the only one who will make good on their word.
Anyway.
I should be studying.
I think I'll go daydream about boyz first.
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| Where'd the years go? |
[22 Mar 2009|08:51pm] |
I do not know why it pisses Jen off so much that I prefer boxers over boxer briefs, and that boxer briefs weird me out. I get that she has a different opinion than me. It's not like I've been trying to convince her otherwise. I don't see why I can't have my own preferences.
And it pisses me off that it pisses her off. What gives? Why does it seems like she's irritated I don't mimic her views? Would a guy who likes thongs get mad at another guy if he was like "No, I only like boy shorts, I think thongs are weird." Would he? I don't think he would. I think he would agree to disagree. One person's personal taste shouldn't be criticized like that. Who's to say what's better? In summation,
fuck you.
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| Blake's got a new face. |
[20 Mar 2009|12:53am] |
Okay I guess first I'd like to say that even though it took me a few months, I now know Vampire Weekend and they are AWESOME.
I had a pretty kickin St. Patty's Day.
I am eating cheezits right now annnd I shouldn't be
Also I am thinking about alcohol.
Hmmm.
Also I am thinking I would like a decent boy, why can't I have one of those? Joe is really cute but admittedly thus far not a decent boy.
I tried plucking my hair. Sometimes it is painful. In any event, it takes WAY TOO LONG. Yikes.
Also I am several hundred dollars in debt and I don't know where I am going to get it from.
Mostly though,
I want boy =( and I think about this almost all day every day. Siiiiiiiigh.
But I do love sunny days. And Anna.
And fooooooood.
and sleeeeeeep. I should go do that.
Or drink a Guinness.
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| I wanna love you but I don't know if I can. |
[03 Mar 2009|01:55am] |
Okay, here...is an entry...about things I love.
1) SLASH. Slash slash, smut smut smut and SLASH. Especially about Draco.
2) JUSTIN BALDONI. HOLY EFFING JESUS. WHAT A HOTTIE. That's really all I have to say about that.
3) Pashmina surprises! ...WHOA!
4) ELLIPSES! ...I LOVE THEM!
5) Typing in all capitals IS ALSO EXCELLENT!
6) ...Coldplay. Oh god, Coldplay. Oh GOD GOD GOD.
7) Swearing, I love swearing, and I hate not being able to do it. (FYI, I've been slacking big time on Lent, though not completely neglecting it)
8) Questionable Content is definitely a pick-me-up
9) My snow/rain boots. They are bosssssssssssss.
10) Looking like I should be a pro at snowboarding YEAH!
Sometimes I get in real emo moods and isolate people from my life and then I pick them back up and I'm like uhhhh why did I drop you in the first place? Because I was being an EMO KID. Yeah I dunno what gets into me. It usually takes a bit to go away, but it always does. Consistently. I need to stop being so wrapped up in myself.
Regardless I feel better now, about Anna at least. Om nom.
Aside from that, I have not been getting a lot of sleep because of these stupid dogs, also, I hate these dogs.
I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death I am right now. Like, am I seeing shit because I'm stoned or because I have no blood left in my body?
Well, you were shot like seven times.
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| My p-p-p-poker face, po-po-poker face. I just can't stop. |
[01 Mar 2009|07:15am] |
Last night was pretty sweet. Getting high with my little sister was awesome. BGguuuhhh i lub her. And Mary too, Mary is way cool people. I like her better than my other roommates, and somehow I even saw that coming.
All bets were off for the swearing thing, I ...swore without reserve. AGHHH. We're back on, today though. Back on.
But really
I can't STAND it when my friends are flakes. And all of them have been lately, and I hate them for it. And I don't know how to deal with it. It pisses me off. And the only thing it makes me wanna do is flake on them. I don't know. I hate having to depend on people, because they always, consistently, let me down, so it makes me wonder WHY I even got the idea in the first place that they could be counted on.
( Adi. Anna. Brent. In that order. )
Yeah, so, I guess that's it. Stuff sucks right now. My loss of faith in my friends conveniently coincides with spending long hours alone in my mother's house. This is gonna be a fun week.
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