This Martin kid is not what I need. Yeah he's semi-sweet and mildly palatable but what I need is someone who understands and is congruent with the emotions I'm after in life.
That sublime, all-encompassing, fearful awe.
Where am I going to get that? Can I POSSIBLY be with someone I can't share it with?
Can I?
I don't know, why do I place so much goddamn emphasis on BOYS in my life? Because I want to have kids? Because I want to have a family at a reasonable age? Because all other noises in my life are fading into the background, drowned out by the incessantly loud ticking of my biological clock?
OH fuck me!
That's no way to live life!
Fuck!
Maybe I don't want to have kids! (Ugh that's a lie, that's a lie, I really want to have kids, I'd feel like a waste without them. I WANT LITTLE ME'S RUNNING AROUND. CARRYING MY GENETIC DATA.)
Maybe if I put my expectations at: no kids, living alone, having a semi-baller pad e whip, I won't be disappointed no matter what age I am.
AKJFSDKGHSJDKHFSJDKFHDKSJFH
Fuck aging fuck fuck fuck it all day.